So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Randomize
