260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
you had me at cake vodka
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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