So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Randomize
