I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Randomize
