Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
Randomize
