yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
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He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
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