I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Randomize
