i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
