my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
