I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
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