I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
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The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
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Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
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