note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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