so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
Randomize
