also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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