I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
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