oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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