My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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