i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
