im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Randomize
