it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
