I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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