***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
He is an equal opportunity slut.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
