oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
new low, shannon just screamed FUCK THE IRISH to a 10 year old's face then proceeded to throw a hotdog at his parents. I think its time i take her home.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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