If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
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