After last night I still want u
But please keep that on the DL
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
