someone threw a dead crab at me
We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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