Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
These tits shall not be calmed
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
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