the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
