new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
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