At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
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