i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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