I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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