the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
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