I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
