we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
