I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
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