The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
Randomize
