So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
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