I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
