So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
