When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
Randomize
