I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
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