I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
