If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
