dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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