I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
His hands were made for my vagina.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love