ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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