only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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