He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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