Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
