Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
