Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
