Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
