In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
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