I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
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