Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Randomize
