i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
