btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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