I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
